You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
