My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
