she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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