Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Randomize
