i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
