I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
