she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
