we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The feeling are messing with the penis
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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