I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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