You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
