I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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