He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize