Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
