She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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