My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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