you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
