Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
