I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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