Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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