My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
