you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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