i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
