What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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