Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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