Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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