Kiss
Puke
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
