Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
