I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
