Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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