I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Randomize
