this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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