Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Pants are for mortals
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