so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
