Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
