oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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