Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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