my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
