You made me cry and you don't even care
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
