Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i think we sleep fucked last night...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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