guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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