you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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