Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
