Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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