Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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