what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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