I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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