So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
