i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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