I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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