Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
