I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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