Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
