Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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