Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I need to align my fucking chakras
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