Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
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He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
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I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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