You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
