Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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