Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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