I wish my penis had an off switch
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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