He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
