My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
