she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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